I’m sitting on the deck and staring at the clouds. I watch them pass and begin to day dream. It’s like I’m waiting for an explosion, or a siren, the likes of which no cop car or fire engine could make. I wait for that grand, life changing moment to swoop down from the sky. Like so many movie plots and tv dramas, where ordinary men are swept into extraordinary circumstances. Where the ordinary find the purpose and meaning of their lives through chaotic situations. I wonder if that’s my purpose? If that’s what this feeling of constant waiting is really all about? 32 years of background and character development. A crash, an explosion, chaos, and the purpose, survival, instinct. I imagine gathering up supplies, suiting up and heading out. Years of judgement and feelings about people finally becoming truly useful. These thoughts begin to gather steam when a faint buzzing sound interrupts them. It grows louder and louder. It is my cell, and a text from Ja, and yes I’m down to play some music. My thoughts have ceased and now I’m back to the true struggles of daily life. Another cup of coffee? Maybe jerk off to some porn? Could find a job or practice, but don’t feel that pull. I light another cigarette and become happy for the 5 minutes to be wasted. 5 minutes of no decisions. Just breathe in and breathe out.